Gorilla Crouch

Simmons: Tanks for Nothing!

Every once in a while I’ll read an article and mentally file it away. The reason is more or less to see how the conceit of the article worked out for the author. With the NBA lottery draft order set it seems like a good time to go back and look at how Bill Simmons reveled in every Celtics loss as it brought the team closer and closer to getting one of the top two picks in the NBA draft. With that pick the Cs were virtually guaranteed to get either Greg Oden or Kevin Durant. It’s a theme he’s touched on several times, particularly in this scathing article on the state of the franchise.

…maybe they’re just giving Doc a bonus for helping Boston clinch the No. 2 spot at the May 22 lottery. Look, every Celtics fan saw what happened. We lost 18 straight games this winter…Over the past few weeks, Rivers routinely played his worst defensive players (Sebastian Telfair, Allan Ray and Gerald Green) any time we needed the opposing team to make a run. In fact, I insist that Telfair and Ray are invited when we retire the jerseys of Oden or Durant in 20 years. We couldn’t have done it without them.

Funny how that worked out: the Celtics, who were favored to get one of the top picks due to having the second worst record in the leauge, ended up getting the 5th pick in the draft. While that sucks for Bill Simmons the fan it is actually good for Bill Simmons the entertainer. He’s at his best when he’s ripping on the Association. Whether it be comparing Celtics GM Danny Ainge’s roster moves to the Memento dude playing chess or imagining an awards ceremony for the league’s worst GMs, Simmons is always at his best when he produces articles chock full of snark.

Simmons acknowledges as much in his lead in to his article following the draft:

In “Crimes and Misdemeanors,” Alan Alda’s character defines comedy as equaling “tragedy plus time.” So eventually, I’ll find the following story funny.
…
…fans were openly rooting for losses (for lottery purposes) and the team was shamefully tanking down the stretch. Looking back, it was pathetic. We disgraced the game of basketball for a 38.7 percent chance at Oden or Durant. Not even 2-in-5 odds.
…
In the span of two hours, I’d gone from dreaming about Greg Oden or Kevin Durant saving the Celtics to Patrick the Bartender earnestly wondering whether the Chinese Brad Lohaus would be available at No. 5. If he’s still there. Eventually, those four words will be funny. Just not right now. Comedy equals tragedy plus time.

The Chinese Brad Lohaus? That’s gold. So while Simmons laments the loss of a draft pick that could end up setting the Celtics back 10-15 years, it should result in some great articles. Like Deadspin commenting that they don’t want to see Matt Millen fired because he provides them with too much great content, it’s probably for the best that the Celtics are stuck in a rebuilding cycle.

Bill Simmons NBA Draft Pistons

May 26th, 2007
Categories: Pistons . Author: Dave

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