Hockey Franchises as Philosophers
New Jersey Devils – Niccolo Machiavelli
Loophole Lou Lamoriello’s artful, devious and cunning exploitation of the salary cap would no doubt earn Machiavelli’s approval. And the dreadful trap that made hockey about as much fun to watch as paint dry is the perfect middle finger of realism pointed directly at the fans of teams that like them lots of totally sick dekes and pretty tic tac toe passes but haven’t won crap.
Wikipedia entry:
“In contrast with Ottawa and the New York Rangers, the ideal offensive team is not the aim. In fact, Lamoriello emphasizes the need for the exercise of brute power where necessary and demonstrated as much through the play of Scott Stevens.”
Sometimes you just need to concuss the hell out of idealism
Anaheim Ducks – Friedrich Nietzsche
You wouldn’t normally associate Walt Disney with the king of nihilist philosophy. Brian Burke on the other hand has completely retooled the organization, losing the Mighty moniker and the cutesy Duck imagery. Burke’s biggest goal seems to try and gain street cred amongst the Canadian fans and media who make up the lion’s share of the NHL audience. He’s done this through populating his roster with Canadian players, fighters, and sharing some interesting views with Don Cherry when it comes to players from overseas. Oh, and he’ll probably greet you with an epithet if you ask him “how’s it going, eh?”
Wikipedia entry:
” Part of the difficulty in interpreting Burke arises from the uniquely provocative style of his outbursts…He frequently delivered trenchant critiques of player salaries and of fellow GMs like Kevin Lowe in the most offensive…terms possible given the context. His arguments often employed ad-hominem attacks and emotional appeals, and…he often jumps from one grand assertion to another (escalating player salaries, tampering), with little sustained logical support or elucidation of the connection between his ideas.”
The philosopher of the hammer
meets his mustachioed pugilistic counterpart
Parros photo: The Third Man In
Toronto Maple Leafs – Renee Descartes
Is there an organization that better fits Descartes’ assertion that merely thinking of something makes it so? Of course there isn’t. Jeff Finger being paid $3.5 is what will make him a great defenseman in Toronto, not the silly idea that his performance to date should determine his value to the Maple Leaf organization.
Wikipedia entry:
“To further demonstrate the limitations of valuing a player based on his past performance, Cliff Fletcher proceeds with what is known as the Wax Argument. He considers Jeff Finger as a piece of wax; his senses inform him that Finger has certain characteristics, such as being a career AHL d-man who had his best offensive season in his NHL career last season playing for an offensively talented Avs team. When he brings the Finger to Toronto, these characteristics will be expected to change completely as does a piece of wax that is brought near a flame, as every player in the NHL dreams of one day playing for the Leafs. Therefore, in order to properly grasp the nature of Jeff Finger, he cannot use logic or rational thought. He must go out of his mind and pay out his ass to acquire him.”
Rumors that Cliff Fletcher signed Descartes for $7 million per season to be Toronto’s replacement for Mats Sundin cannot be verified at this time.
Edmonton Oilers – John Stuart Mill
You offered Thomas Vanek how much? Dude. Not cool.
The Oil are the diametric opposite of the Maple Leafs. While the Leafs’ executives believe that overpaying players guarantees they will perform at a high level, the Oilers’ front office believe that players who perform at a high level should gladly accept nickels and dimes on the dollar for the privilege of playing in the icebox that is Edmonton.
The Edmonton bloggers tend to the Mill philosophy known as utilitarianism, as they are more likely to value a player based on the number of shots the opponent creates while said player is on the ice when playing 4 on 4 with the backup goalie in net. Behind the Net and Time on Ice are both excellent tools created by Oil bloggers and no hockey fanbase seems to have embraced the baseball concept of Moneyball more than they have. They have also ripped bad deals such as the Sheldon Souray and Dustin Penner signings
Detroit Red Wings – Immanuel Kant
Even when D-Mac tries to look pensive
it looks like a profane gesture
photo: skate2stick
If there is an NHL franchise that can be said to use their a priori knowledge of what it is they are looking for in prospects and use a posteriori experience to determine when those prospects are ready to play for the big club it would probably be Detroit. That’s important because the Wings haven’t been able to draft can’t miss prospects by the tried and true method of sucking for a couple years and getting lottery picks.
The Red Wings are so convinced they don’t know how long it will take their prospects will develop that they’ve turned to drafting college-bound players as it extends their development window. Kant has also been viewed as a late bloomer who wrote his most important works later in life, which again is par for the course with many Red Wings draft picks.
Anaheim Ducks Edmonton Oilers new jersey devils Red Wings Toronto Maple Leafs2 Comments
Comments RSS TrackBack Identifier URI
Leave a comment
How about
Tampa Bay Lightning - Jeremy Bentham
A team now built around the philosophy of maximising pleasure, the Bolts have been accused of abandoning traditional concepts of hockey philosophy (e.g. defensemen). And some might say that Bentham’s ultimate fate, of being stuffed and mounted immobile in a cabinet, bears a startling resemblance to Olaf Kolzig’s recent form…
New York Islanders - Soren Kierkegaard
Like Kierkegaard, the Isles management believes that faith should trump and challenge rational thought. Kierkegaard’s work was famously (and deliberately) hard to understand, much like every decision Mike Milbury ever made.